The Same Old Struggle

This morning, I wrote in my handwritten journal for the first time since early February. After putting together a rudimentary system for digitizing and archiving my pen & paper entries in synch with my digital DayOne entries, I told myself that I’d start to physically write more to improve my penmanship and to train my writing focus – you can’t tab out to a web browser and get lost when the only thing in front of you are analog writing tools. For my entry, I opted for my overdue personal “snapshot” that I try to write for myself every month.

As I identified the things I’ve been struggling with and committed them to the page, the narrative started to feel very familiar: something(s) happened in my personal life that exhausted my mental stamina and sent me running with open arms into old habits that set me back and cost me the progress I’ve made with my physical training. Circumstantial loops triggering behavioral loops in that leave me wavering in a static weight & fitness range, which gets harder and harder to maintain as the undeniable affects of aging start to take their toll (lately, I’ve had persisting sensitivity in my joints).

In addition to those behavior loops, I also have old thought loops that I have to actively stave off. Despite all the running I do, the other choices and efforts I make are not resulting in progress that would give me something I feel worth taking the time to write about. The resulting frustration from that trapped static feeling threatens to crack open the door and let in all those old unhelpful perceptions: a mental space of helpless nihilistic futility and general disinterest in life.

California is drying out. The planet is overheating and growing overpopulated. Pollution runs rampant. Nations are actively at war, international tensions high, terrorism still a highly active threat. The economy continues to struggle. In spite of all the great things modern technology has to offer us, the world just seems to be swan diving to hell. What’s the point in holding onto any of the dreams and goals I’ve ever had for myself?

Much as I’ve put wrestled with those issues for the past three years and put them and the flawed mindset that resulted behind me, being such an expansive part of my recent personal history they still follow in my shadow, detracting my focus and tempting me to walk along that path once more.

As I’ve done time and time before in pulling myself out of this rut, I steel my resolve by reaffirming my commitment to the pursuit of self-actualization. It is okay to harbor those thoughts and that weakness, so long as I don’t let it stop me. Things may seem to only be getting harder and still drifting away and out of reach, but that only leaves me with the option of pushing harder and faster.

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