I’d like to say that life’s “been keeping me pretty busy”, which while it admittedly has, is also a total copout as to why I haven’t been keeping up on my writing. Truth of the matter is, I’ve still been allowing myself to fall victim to a pretty lame behavioral cycle where I end up contemplating on all the things that I have/want to do that the pressure of it all just makes not doing anything at all very easy to do. As I’ve acknowledged before, it’s something that I don’t have the luxury of doing. Not just in regard to my goal timeline, but more recently, also because of present circumstances. There’s a lot of upgrading that I still need to do with myself, but things have also started to come across my plate that demand that I be in top form in order to successfully carry them out.
Last week, my car broke down on me, causing me to have to shell out a few hundred dollars for a new battery and alternator not just the week before rent is due, but also at the end of the calendar year when a lot of my service subscriptions come up for renewal. One that lined up perfectly with this ill-timed misfortune was my hosting plan. Since my current finances can’t afford the $120 renewal, I migrated all of my entries from my self-hosted WordPress installation and merged them with all of the old entries I left on my abandoned WordPress.com hosted blog. Though I’ve toggled the visibility to all of them to private so that they’re part of the “archive” I put a lot of my pre-existing entries on the previously self-hosted blog, there’s a certain personal sense of “reintegration” that I’ve gotten from breaking down the separation between the logs of my past.
Furthermore, I see the loss of the self-hosted WordPress install as a good thing. Sure, I won’t have my avenue for tinkering with site design and development, but I’m also forced to focus on organizing all of the things I have written and coming up with new content. I’ve been actively trying to develop marketable talents in different areas because I have a burning desire to be able to do more creatively, but in the process I’ve been neglecting the thing that I’m most “naturally” talented at. Time to start making as strong an effort at playing my strengths as I’ve been putting towards developing new ones. There’s a lot of work still to be done, and now I’m at the point where success is contingent on me realizing the best version of myself.
It’s usually shocking to me when I sit down to bang out a new update how much time has elapsed since my previous post — this time is no exception. It hasn’t felt like much time, but seeing the entry date on the “Day One” entry of 09/01/2013 was really jarring. Sixty-two days in, and comparing the present numbers to those then, I’m seeing that I haven’t made any progress at all.
At the start of October, I found myself having gained some pounds back, pushing me five past the 200 mark. In an effort to correct course, I started trying to get back in the habit of regular exercise and hitting my old 20-mile-a-week goal. The first week of October, I went on one run after a squat/lunge/yoga routine that I pushed myself a little too hard with. That ended up incapacitating me for a good few days. The second week, I went on a run as soon as I was able to move without persistent pain. That went well, but in the days that followed, I was afflicted with a random pain along my right side. It constantly felt like I’d been punched in the kidney for three days. The time throughout the rest of the month, I spent telling myself mentally I would get around to doing things but getting distracted by all the other things going on in life. It’s a pitfall I’ve identified before, and am still prone to falling into. This past week, I resolved to get back on track with the 20 mile goal. I did good on Monday and Tuesday, then lost momentum by giving myself a couple of days off to recover from the resulting soreness. I intended to clock in the last 10 miles over the weekend, but fell ill with what appears to have been a 24 hour bug.
I have to admit, there’s a strong element of frustration in how poorly my body keeps pace with my goals. I don’t feel as if I’m pushing myself as hard as I can/should be. Admittedly, I do it because I try to pace myself – being able to do continuous moderate/low intensity exercise is far preferable to strong bursts that leave me incapacitated and in recovery. Yet even these “minimal” efforts take a toll on me. This, and the prioritization of other forms of productivity, are a big reason why I’ve not made much progress. It’s frustrating to want to engage in a healthy lifestyle and satisfy basic physiological needs, only to feel like it’s not possible to do so.
At present, the only thing I can do is keep pushing and keep trying to go further, even when my body refuses to keep pace. Already, the shift in climate is starting to become an obstacle. With the colder weather settling in and the inability to invest money into a gym membership, I’m going to have to do workouts at home to compensate. This is going to be a challenge in itself, since it’s at home where I’m surrounded by the most possible sources of distraction. Still, I want and need to start seeing some progress reflected in the data, and I have no reason or room for continued failure in this regard.
Get it together, me.