Over the last few months, I’ve been increasingly self-medicating with marijuana. I’ve been putting my mental highs to reflective introspection, and have been revisiting the different eras of my life. I recalled those other parts of me buried under the years, and have been reconnecting with how it felt to actually be them: an innocent child who never lied, an adventurous youth, an insatiable academic, a goth rebel teen, a young adult with big dreams and goals…those are but few of many. I remember each one clearly, how life felt with the people around me at the time, the way I perceived the world and myself. Over the years, I’ve felt myself in a helpless spiral of decline, constantly looking at my history and wanting to return to times when things were easier, people I once loved were still in my life, and I was a comparatively better person. In not so many words, I feel like I’ve been losing touch with the good parts of myself for many years now.

There are other factors that have contributed to this state. At the risk of sounding presumptuous, I firmly believe my intelligence is one of the most influential. I remember being fascinated by the idea of the internet when I was in 8th grade, and wanting to learn to develop for the web. I took a class in HTML and desktop publishing, and mastered the concepts with ease. Now as an adult that has all pro-sumer grade tools to actually do the work, I’m no longer ready and eager to go like I was once was; now, I’m intimidated by my realization of how little I know. I’ve been humbled by the complexity of life – that teenage assurance of knowing everything about the world has been snuffed out by the realization that life isn’t as simple as you grow up thinking it is. Now, I don’t just see “web developing”. I see a need to learn a laundry list of new things: HTML 5, CSS, Javascript, PHP, etc. When you’re depressed, what’s the point in even trying?

Personal relationships with people haven’t helped. There are so many issues in this area, concerning (literally) everyone in my life. The conflicts, pains, betrayals,  and loses have left me in a withered state. For the past few weeks, I’ve been invaded by a feeling of disconnect. I haven’t felt any interest in my life, and don’t feel anything when I’m around or even merely think of my friends and family. I’ve been mourning the circumstances throughout my entire life, and how things fell apart in my childhood and ended up stacked against me. This particular train of thought brought me to a place where I’m not afraid to die. I think of times when the thought of death and realization of one’s mortality has sent that cold chill up my spine, and I remember that the biggest thing feeding into that fear was that death would mean parting with things and people you love. I don’t feel those attachments, and I feel free in the comfort of knowing that if I were to die tomorrow, I wouldn’t fear it.

There’s also been a mental fog that’s been permeating every aspect of my life. Thinking freely comes easily, but organizing and taking action on even the simplest mental notes has become impossible. It’s like there’s a giant road block because a part of my brain is under construction. At home, work, and school, I’ve been marginally productive at best. I’m surprised I’ve managed to get this far without getting frustrated and deleting everything I’ve written. As a result, even a small basic to-do list has become a daunting task that I have to scrounge up the motivation to get through.

Back in January when I set out to solve the problem of me and get my life back on track, I also forced myself into seclusion. Aside from co-workers, Chris is the only person that I can’t avoid since we live together. Everyone else in my life, I have cut off communications with. I deactivated Facebook, I don’t attend social gatherings…I’m pretty much non-existent aside from occasional Twitter activity. In my solitude, I’ve found the time and clarity to really focus on myself and do some heavy thinking. I’ve struggled with a sense of duality throughout this whole time, me as opposed to my idealized self. This whole depression business has kept me mired in living a life that I don’t feel is really a reflection of who I am. I’ve gone though those different periods in me life, and collected the better parts of myself that I’ve admired. I’ve been practicing in a lot of self-forgiveness, and have slowly been making my way towards what I desire: a return to form, and feeling of wholeness. To take care of myself physically and mentally, to believe in myself unwaveringly, to accomplish great things.

While I’ve been doing this work in my mind over the past months, I’ve also allowed myself to become the worst thing I could possibly be: I’ve become an overweight lazy reclusive coward – I’ve become my father. Now, I’m going to become my best. I’ve gathered up the best parts of myself, and am going to put them into practice. These last few days have already  been good. I feel naturally in touch with myself and my surroundings; there’s vivacity to life again, and I appreciate the details of the world as naturally as I breathe. The sounds of cars driving by, the temperature of the room, the smells, the spatial relationships between things around me – I feel that connection again, and no longer feel like I’m stuck behind some invisible TV screen and having to spectate this life that I resent. Thinking has become clearer and easier to organize, and I naturally have motivation to get things done again. I’m finally making my peace with life, and ready to move on and build a new one as the man I really am.

Over the past few weeks, there’ve been so many developments with me personally. Much to my chagrin, I can’t even refer to private journal entries to list them, since I’ve been neglecting to write even my daily journal entries. In this time, I have been thinking about so many things – this site being one of them. And I think I’ve finally realized why I haven’t been moving forward with it. A part of it was the historian that wants to document as much of the whole story as possible, but lacking any action. More importantly though, was the fact that I just didn’t care because I didn’t feel like it was important to me because I didn’t care about myself.  

Last summer, I finally headed the 10 year old advice an old friend gave me, and started seeing a therapist. In the short time we’ve worked together, I’ve made a lot of progress in solving a problem that’s long plagued me. According to the doc, I was dealing with some really heavy depression.
 
I remember the night it started vividly: it was New Year’s Day, 2005, and I was sitting in the hot tub at Mike & Clay’s house (Mike & Clay being a gay couple that were befriended by Mike & Fernando, my two best friends at the time). In the minutes leading up to the midnight countdown, everyone vacated the jacuzzi except myself. As the new year rolled in, I sat alone in the warm water, staring up at the night sky and suddenly feeling a vast emptiness inside me. I felt as if I was becoming detached from myself, losing touch with parts of my personality that I identified as necessary to my true self. This was a tremendous shift for me. Up until that point, I’d been invincible. At that point in my life, I’d just overcome some very heavy drama with the family that forced me to adopt a strong character. I had so many dreams and ambitions, and an unwavering trust in my capabilities. Those were but some of the many parts of myself I realized were slipping away from me.

In the years that followed, the situation only worsened. The absence of those qualities allowed the introduction of their negative counterparts. Instead of feeling powerful, I felt weak. My dreams and ambitions became lofty and unattainable goals. My firm belief in myself became a debilitating fear for myself. In middle school, I developed a deep interest in graphic design and web development. The class I took in HTML came so naturally to me. By the time I left high school, the web had moved past 90′s web pages with table layouts, and had started incorporating advanced CSS and JavaScript. When I looked at all of these new types of code to be learned, I lost faith in my ability to ever gain proficiency at the process – I got intimidated by the challenge and the realization that I didn’t know as much as my teenage arrogance had led me to believe. I finished high school, and told myself I would take time away from academics and join the workforce. At that time, all I wanted was to work and save up money to buy two things: my own car, and my own computer that would be able to run games and advanced applications like Photoshop and Dreamweaver, so that I would be able to be an independent and self-sufficient college student.

Then the true hardships of life reared their head. Finding a job in a crumbling economy for a fresh high school graduate with no experience was difficult. What was supposed to take me months to accomplish turned into years marked with minimal progress and long stints of unemployment. When I finally got my car, it was stolen from me and cannibalized for parts within a year. When I got my computer, it fell apart after a year and a half. Even when I finally accomplished my goals after a much longer time than anticipated, the accomplishment itself was short-lived. This further lead me to believe that I just couldn’t compete, that maybe I would have to settle for only finding a way of “getting by” in life. Little by little, I withered away into an empty shell. I still managed to function, but everything felt like a distant dream. Life didn’t feel like i was living it anymore. Instead, it felt like I was chained to my body and forced to watch an unending TV show. Simply put, reality lost its vivacity. Looking back, I realize that these feelings kept me from fully enjoying the amazing things that happened to me during those years.

About three weeks ago, I went into one of my sessions after a particularly crappy week. What I ended up sharing that week was that I realized that I legitimately hated my life. I looked back at everything that’s happened since childhood, and was bitter that the one time I get to experience life on this earth, I had to get stuck with being “me”. Ever since I was a teenager, I talked myself through the tough times by reaffirming to myself that my misfortunes have made me who I am, and that I wouldn’t be the person I am today without them. That day, I allowed myself to be completely honest about my feelings – as much I still believe that the statement is true, I know that who I am now isn’t the best I could be. While I’m tempted to really go into what was said in detail, that I feel I should write about all on its own. The bottom line is that in being honest about my feelings, it required that I actually allow myself to process my feelings emotionally instead of mentally. Or alternatively, to be myself instead of a third person confined to my body.

Since then, reality has slowly been regaining its vivacity. The outlook I’ve long since lost has returned – when I wake up, I feel like I’m in the world. The feeling you get when you actually stop to really take in your surroundings, that comes naturally to me again. Without trying, every detail of life stands out to me. The direction of the wind, the smells, the sounds of distant cars, everything. I’ve also been spending a lot of time with myself, having decided to go off the social networking radar in the weeks leading up to the big session. Throughout this time, I’ve been feeling things I haven’t felt in a long time: a vested interest in myself, a sharp focus, an inspiring determination. I feel like I’m at the verge of finally centering myself, reconciling all of the different parts of my life I’ve struggled with over the years, and actualizing the “true self” I’ve been desperately seeking for the past 10 years.

I’m finally going to be me again.

In this past week, I’ve been working on getting back into a routine again. Late last week, I went on a nice 6.5 mile run. It actually seemed like something I would love to do regularly, time permitting. In my efforts to do so, I’ve also been actively working at smoking cessation again. I’m having a slightly harder time than I did back in January, but it’s something I do need to ultimately achieve soon.

Since it’s a Monday, time to do the measurement and photo thing. It’s quite the uphill feeling battle, but I appreciate the challenge.

Measurement Update

Forward, Angled, Sideways, and Back Shots. Ugh…

For better context, here’s what I look like in clothes. Not pretty.

Growing up, I always felt comfortable in my body. Now, I don’t – I constantly feel bogged down, very much aware of the extra weight I’m dragging around. I look at the photographs above, and that’s exactly what it looks like: I don’t have a round pot belly, there’s nothing supporting the fat in my abdominal region.  It hangs there, looking like it’s trying to slide off because it knows it doesn’t belong, but can’t. As I take these pictures in, really letting myself stop to look at them, I find myself upset at myself for not having permanently dealt with this situation years ago. Not just because of all of the time spent in this condition, but because it also adds that much more to my present-day workload. That said, bemoaning the situation won’t do anything about it, just determination and action. So, I’ll just keep going.

Last time I did this, I planned to use publicly available information as a motivational tool. It’s one thing to post embarrassing photos of yourself and actually do something about it; posting them and not being able to show progress is just embarrassing. Sad to say, that seems to be the case. I took some time to look at my old posts on this, and it was right around this time of year that I wrote them; when I compared the numbers and photos, there wasn’t much of a difference. I mean, sure, the numbers say I lost about 12 lbs or so, but it doesn’t feel like I did; I feel like I’m in the worst shape I’ve ever been in, and feel completely alien in my own body. So, after procrastinating all month, I’m finally going to get on it for good. Last year, I checked my progress weekly, and called Mondays my “Measurement Mondays”. Here’s my first one this time around:

STARTING POINT

The Cold Uncaring Numbers

PHOTOGRAPHS

Because Data Alone is Pretty Boring – Behold My Shameful Corpulence!

(Note: These are last year’s photos. The ones I took this morning look pretty crappy, so I’ll have to take new ones later today)

Right Angled Right

Left Angled Left

As a child, I was a pretty normal sized kid. As the years wore on, the pounds started packing up. A dual effort between my mom’s rich cooking and generous portions as well as my father’s reliance on fast food whenever he was left in charge of my nutritional needs. I believe it was somewhere around the 4th grade that I made the transition from "husky" to regular run of the mill "fat".

For the majority of my life, that wasn’t a problem. I was always very comfortable with my body, physically and mentally/emotionally. So much that with the exception of one boy whose name I don’t remember in the 2nd grade, I’ve never had my weight thrown at me as an insult. It wasn’t until I left high school that I started feeling uncomfortable in my skin.

Once I left the controlled environment of high school, I started dealing with all of the issues that adults deal with. The most prominent in my mind? wanting to explore my sexuality. I came "out" during my sophomore year of high school, but still had claim to my virginity leaving high school; quite a feat in this modern world we live in. So I started waking up every morning at 5am, a practice that I was accustomed to having spent so much of my life having to rise early to cross the US-Mexico border to get to school, and became a runner. I ditched a considerable amount of my excess weight: when I was at my fattest in high school, I weighed in at an
astounding 265 lbs. when I finally fell victim to complacency, I had brought myself down to around 220 lbs.

In my time off from running, I planned to pick up the running habit again and keep pushing towards more. In my head, I planned to get in peak physical condition so that when I turned 21, I could go out and party to my fullest. That didn’t exactly pan out. After I failed to meet my initial deadline, I told myself I would still follow through, a process I repeated year after year without producing any results.

Over the past couple years, things took a turn for the worst. Up until 2010, I hadn’t been losing weight, but I was at least maintaining a lower body mass. At the start of 2010, things in my personal life became too overwhelming, and I gave up. I stopped caring about my health, my goals, my appearance, everything. It wasn’t until the end of the year that things started looking up. By then, though, the damage had been done: I put myself all the way back up to 240. So I started trying again, and last year, even had a few bouts of determination to finish what I’d started years ago:

http://thechexican.wordpress.com/2011/02/26/towards-a-thinner-tomorrow-preparation/

http://thechexican.wordpress.com/2011/02/26/towards-a-thinner-tomorrow-gearing-up/

http://thechexican.wordpress.com/2011/03/20/towards-a-thinner-tomorrow-back-on-track/

http://thechexican.wordpress.com/2011/06/28/exodus/

http://thechexican.wordpress.com/2011/06/28/smoking-as-in-quitting/

According to the dates, that was almost a year ago. Now, it’s 2012, and I’m finally committing to this once more. There are two large contributing factors to this resolve.

The first is the fact that I’m leaving the comfort of 25 and starting my journey into my late 20’s. I realize that my body is no longer the growing resilient thing is used to be. I’ve pretty much done all of the growing up going to do physically, and am now hitting the part where I instead start growing old. As such, I can’t afford to not get in shape – otherwise, the rest of my life stuck in this thing is going to suck pretty hard.

The other motivating factor stems from the fact that I am going into my late 20′s: I only have 4 more years before I become a member of the 30’s club, and as much as I did party hard from 21-23, I’m not done taking advantage of my youth. Even though my interest has admittedly waned in going out, living large as a whole has become new and exciting again for me. Yes, I want to go out dancing and have the best time of my life, but I also want to do more. I want to travel, I want to climb mountains, I want to play team sports. I want to be able to do all of things, basically, while I still can it’s not painstaking hard.

So I’m making a fitness category for this site, just as I did on my old blogs. Like before, this category is for me to log my weight loss journey. Unlike before, I also hope to grow this category as a kind of sub-blog – not just about my weight loss, but also as a reliable resource for anyone looking to do the same for themselves. So, that all being said…let’s do this!

Unfortunately for me and this site, I got sick almost immediately after. Throughout the past couple of weeks, I’ve found myself thinking of so many different things I wanted to start writing about. With physical illness in play, my timeline has found itself set back some. Now that I’m getting over my bout with the flu, I’m firing up my writing engine and finally getting around to introducing thechexican.com to the web!

What This Site Is

Throughout my life, I’ve always had a fascination with technology. In following the evolution of the internet since its start in the old dial-up days, I’ve always been aware at how powerful and essential it has become in this modern world we live in. Being such a tech enthusiast, I’ve always wanted to leverage that power to create an online identity that can actively supplement my real life and professional aspirations. In the years past, I experimented with this idea using many popular web services: Blogger, WordPress, Tumblr, Twitter, Facebook, Google+, the list goes on. While I’ve learned a lot through the use of these various tools, they never really felt “right”. The one thing that I’ve always wanted but always found myself unable to afford is the complete control afforded by a self-hosted WordPress installation.

So that’s what I plan to do with this site. I want to maintain an active blog that covers my interests. I want to build my brand and create quality content on this site. I want to reacquaint myself with design and development, and use this site to grow my coding and design talents. There’s really so much I have invested here that it’d be impossible to write down entirely. My motivation for doing this is mostly personal; I see this site as a hybrid between a professional journal and a portfolio. Yet, even though I do my writing for personal reasons, I do hope that the things that find their way up here do end up being at least helpful, if not inspirational, to anyone who manages to stumble across it.

While I plan to keep using the aforementioned services, this is where I want to focus my efforts. Right now, I’m in a huge transitional period in life. I’m truly dedicating myself to bringing the person I want to be into reality. In a sense, it very much feels like becoming an entirely new person. So moving forward, I’m treating this as a fresh start. I don’t really have any concrete plans for all of my old existing content – maybe after I get things going and steady with the site, I’ll import my old blog posts and archive them here. For right now, I want to dedicate my focus to the future, not my past.

So, here I go – let’s see what I can do.