Now that I’ve gotten that first-update-in-a-long time entry done, it’s time to make sure to keep the momentum going…
As briefly touched upon last entry, I admittedly haven’t been doing my best lately. Not only have I been indulging in that bothersome smoking habit, I’ve also been neglecting to mind my inner fire. Morale is at fairly low levels, and I’ve been getting by in that zombie-like “go to work and be done for the day as soon as you get home” state. I’ve got February’s shortened cycle and many holidays have left me making up lost ground by being presently bound with financial constraints. When have been getting out to run lately, I haven’t felt that same sense of joy I used to get from doing it. A couple of years ago, running was what I would always rather be doing. Lately, it just feels like a rote chore. I also don’t have the same confidence in my body as I used to back then; though my recent runs have been thankfully free of complication, having my knees blow out on me from a casual jog and the constant stiffness in my leg muscles these days dissuade me from engaging them in serious activity. Add to that a small set of things not serious but still very personal in nature don’t warrant disclosure going on with my body, it all adds up to not a good time for me to be me.
While in fairness to myself I acknowledge that mine is not an abnormal response to those circumstances, I know better. My readings on and aspirations towards philosophical stoicism would have me admit the nagging soreness in my knees and the ankle I fractured back in middle school as the impediments they are, but not the obstacles I’ve allowed myself to treat them as. I’ve been doing it because I haven’t been willing to recommit to athleticism. The same could be said as to why I didn’t get around to pushing blog updates until March. It’s easier to not make a promise to yourself do to something you don’t want to do than it is to muster up the willpower to just do what needs to be done.
Life at this stage in the game is requiring a lot more of me. Years at this and constantly knocked off my game with all the noise inside my head, I have no longer have any excuse to myself for not delivering.